When everything is NOT OK
Today I read a very real and very raw post from another blogging mother. I really appreciate the honesty and openness portrayed in HER STORY. The longer I am around, the more I realize that basically we all have the same internal struggles. Our backgrounds, our life stories, and our personalities make those struggles look different in each of us, but behind the surface our struggles are very common. I wish that we would be more open with each other, that we would let people behind the wall and tell them that they are not alone. I love when people can do that in an encouraging and uplifting way. When someone comes alongside you and says, "Hey I've been there, I've had that struggle too, and I made it through" it gives hope. It also stops us from believing we are the only one out there who has the terrible thoughts, who is hiding the awful secrets, and who is ready to fall apart. We've all been there, some of us hide it better than others, but at our core we are all the same.
When we moved overseas 2 years ago I was that girl(the one with the plastic smile); the one just barely holding it together, with all of my emotions stuffed down so deep that nothing could unlock them. I had just said goodbye too all of my family and friends, sold all of my possessions, quit my job, and moved all the way to the opposite side of the globe. I did it all without crying. I had a 6 month old and a just barely 2 year old who needed me every second of every day. Suddenly I found myself in a culture I wasn't familiar with, unable to read, write, or understand the language, with all new smells and sights. I was lost and overwhelmed. I had so many emotions raging underneath the surface but I was terrified to let any of them out because I knew if I let even one emotion out they would all spill over in an unrelenting torrent and I would be unable to function which would terrify my already fragile children. Every day I functioned by literally forcing myself to accomplish the things I knew we needed to do to survive. I did them without passion or emotion, as logically as I could possibly manage.
6 moths previous to this, my daughter was born into the middle of a disaster area. We were traveling, packing, graduating, moving, getting our finances in order, saying goodbye, settling paperwork, job interviewing, and every other thing that goes into moving your life to the other side of the world. We barely had time to celebrate her arrival before being whisked back into the craziness that was our lives. But she was not to be ignored. She was born with a dramatic flourish, and made her presence known everywhere we went. If she was not being held by ME she screamed and by scream I mean bloodcurdling, ear piercing screaming (the kind that makes your neighbors come to see if something is wrong) I was however still working part time which meant she could NOT be held by me 2 days a week. My poor mother suffered greatly, 12 straight hours, 2 days a week. She would of course break up the 12 hours by falling asleep from sheer exhaustion, but that was the only relief. She even refused to eat unless it was ME giving her the food. So out to the hospital my mother would drive so I could feed my stubborn daughter. I couldn't quit my job until we left the country because I carried our insurance which couldn't transfer to our next company until we left the states and we needed that insurance to get her necessary immunizations and check-ups.
So onto the airplane and around the world I went with my bundle of joy. Of course her temper came with us. So as I attempted to adjust to a new culture, new home, new friends, new methods of cooking, new language, ect...... I held my daughter, and held her, and held her. And when i needed to put her down to make dinner or help my son, she screamed, and screamed, and screamed. I loved her passionately, but there were many days when:
(My friend Maria attempting to hold Maddie)
I DID NOT LIKE HER. I was numb and exhausted. Eventually time passed, and I adjusted, and she adjusted, and I finally gave way, little by little to the torent of emotions I had bottled up. I mourned for my losses and allowed myself to acknowledge the terror that accompanied everything in my world being foreign and new. All of the things I was afraid of happened and I lived through them and learned that I really could trust God and I really could be happy here. And as I relaxed so did she. Somewhere in there we both recovered and I realized that I not only passionately loved her, but I liked her too. By the time she turned one, she was ok. She let other people hold her and love her, and she turned into the hysterically funny, teasing, charming, girl with the blonde pigtails and the disarming smile that she is today.
Our children are so often the mirror of us. Looking back I realize that what my infant daughter was expressing outloud for the world to hear, was really the exact reflection of what I felt inside. I was too afraid to let it out for fear it would destroy me. But I think even that early she felt my deep level of anxiety and stress and she expressed it out loud in the only way she could: She screamed. She could sense how deeply unsettled I was and it made her tiny self unsettled. She demanded to have me near since she wasn't sure of me. She felt no sense of security or feeling of safety without me near because I could give her none. I didn't have any myself. As God (and my husband) patiently and tenderly helped me express my emotions and face my fears, my heart became at peace. As my hear became more and more peaceful her crying stopped, and her laughing increased, and her personality began to shine through. While I had been busy being frustrated with her crying, she had been busy reflecting my heart. In some ways I wish I could go back, and live those days over again, more honest with my feelings and with the people around me. I wish I would have done more of the crying so she could have done less. But as always I am thankful for God's grace that carried me and her through it all and the gentle teaching of the Spirit restoring our souls.
Psalm 23:1-3 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want, He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters. HE RESTORES MY SOUL, He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake."
So today's thankful list:
1. A beautiful, funny, and amazing daughter who makes me laugh with joy every day
2. A kind and patient husband for every season of my life
3. A heavenly father who is gentle with my fragile heart
4. Friends who kept loving me even when the going was tough
5. Parents who helped me weather all of the difficulty of those days even though it was just as difficult for them
6. A sister who loved me openly and honestly with all of her tears flowing for our loss but with no resentment or guilt imposed.
7. A little boy who cheerfully adjusted to changing worlds with a sweet spirit.
Psalms 61:1-3 "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge"
When we moved overseas 2 years ago I was that girl(the one with the plastic smile); the one just barely holding it together, with all of my emotions stuffed down so deep that nothing could unlock them. I had just said goodbye too all of my family and friends, sold all of my possessions, quit my job, and moved all the way to the opposite side of the globe. I did it all without crying. I had a 6 month old and a just barely 2 year old who needed me every second of every day. Suddenly I found myself in a culture I wasn't familiar with, unable to read, write, or understand the language, with all new smells and sights. I was lost and overwhelmed. I had so many emotions raging underneath the surface but I was terrified to let any of them out because I knew if I let even one emotion out they would all spill over in an unrelenting torrent and I would be unable to function which would terrify my already fragile children. Every day I functioned by literally forcing myself to accomplish the things I knew we needed to do to survive. I did them without passion or emotion, as logically as I could possibly manage.
6 moths previous to this, my daughter was born into the middle of a disaster area. We were traveling, packing, graduating, moving, getting our finances in order, saying goodbye, settling paperwork, job interviewing, and every other thing that goes into moving your life to the other side of the world. We barely had time to celebrate her arrival before being whisked back into the craziness that was our lives. But she was not to be ignored. She was born with a dramatic flourish, and made her presence known everywhere we went. If she was not being held by ME she screamed and by scream I mean bloodcurdling, ear piercing screaming (the kind that makes your neighbors come to see if something is wrong) I was however still working part time which meant she could NOT be held by me 2 days a week. My poor mother suffered greatly, 12 straight hours, 2 days a week. She would of course break up the 12 hours by falling asleep from sheer exhaustion, but that was the only relief. She even refused to eat unless it was ME giving her the food. So out to the hospital my mother would drive so I could feed my stubborn daughter. I couldn't quit my job until we left the country because I carried our insurance which couldn't transfer to our next company until we left the states and we needed that insurance to get her necessary immunizations and check-ups.
I DID NOT LIKE HER. I was numb and exhausted. Eventually time passed, and I adjusted, and she adjusted, and I finally gave way, little by little to the torent of emotions I had bottled up. I mourned for my losses and allowed myself to acknowledge the terror that accompanied everything in my world being foreign and new. All of the things I was afraid of happened and I lived through them and learned that I really could trust God and I really could be happy here. And as I relaxed so did she. Somewhere in there we both recovered and I realized that I not only passionately loved her, but I liked her too. By the time she turned one, she was ok. She let other people hold her and love her, and she turned into the hysterically funny, teasing, charming, girl with the blonde pigtails and the disarming smile that she is today.
Our children are so often the mirror of us. Looking back I realize that what my infant daughter was expressing outloud for the world to hear, was really the exact reflection of what I felt inside. I was too afraid to let it out for fear it would destroy me. But I think even that early she felt my deep level of anxiety and stress and she expressed it out loud in the only way she could: She screamed. She could sense how deeply unsettled I was and it made her tiny self unsettled. She demanded to have me near since she wasn't sure of me. She felt no sense of security or feeling of safety without me near because I could give her none. I didn't have any myself. As God (and my husband) patiently and tenderly helped me express my emotions and face my fears, my heart became at peace. As my hear became more and more peaceful her crying stopped, and her laughing increased, and her personality began to shine through. While I had been busy being frustrated with her crying, she had been busy reflecting my heart. In some ways I wish I could go back, and live those days over again, more honest with my feelings and with the people around me. I wish I would have done more of the crying so she could have done less. But as always I am thankful for God's grace that carried me and her through it all and the gentle teaching of the Spirit restoring our souls.
Psalm 23:1-3 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want, He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters. HE RESTORES MY SOUL, He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake."
So today's thankful list:
1. A beautiful, funny, and amazing daughter who makes me laugh with joy every day
2. A kind and patient husband for every season of my life
3. A heavenly father who is gentle with my fragile heart
4. Friends who kept loving me even when the going was tough
5. Parents who helped me weather all of the difficulty of those days even though it was just as difficult for them
6. A sister who loved me openly and honestly with all of her tears flowing for our loss but with no resentment or guilt imposed.
7. A little boy who cheerfully adjusted to changing worlds with a sweet spirit.
Psalms 61:1-3 "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge"
Wow, Gretchen you are definitely not alone. I am praying for you every day. You and Rob are on the every day list. Love you lots.
ReplyDelete"Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Phil 4:9
That's the prayer I'm praying for me today also. Peace my sister. Love,
kate
Oh, Gretchen, you have made me cry. I remember, I remember. Thank you, God for healing my sister's heart. And thank you, God, for the amazing, wonderful gift of Maddie.
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