Hope


Easter weekend was wonderfully refreshing for me in so many ways that I desperately needed. These past few weeks have been some of my most emotionally difficult times since we moved here almost 3 years ago. Several things happened at once that left me desperately homesick. I am very thankful to say that in these last few years only once before have I struggled so badly with missing home. Before our move I anticipated feeling this way often or all the time. But to my joy, I have loved our life here and have not often had the overwhelming need to sit and mourn for my losses. That's not to say that I don't regularly miss my old home and the precious family and friends there. I think of them all quite often and frequently miss the closeness of a hug, a play date, holiday dinners, or a cup of coffee together. But, on most days these wistful thoughts just cause me to say a prayer for whomever they are directed at and drop them an e-mail or a facebook note.


This time for some reason was different for me. Always before I have had the refuge of knowing that a visit home was only 10 or 11 months away at the longest. This time however, our plan is to stay the full 2 years before the next visit stateside. I knew when we decided to go that direction that it would be very hard, but until now I've successfully put off dealing with it. There are lots of reasons for our decision, some financial, some for the purpose of my family visiting here instead, and a few other reasons spattered in. I don't like it, but I still think it is the right decision, so I've been confused in my heart as to why then I feel so sad. There are many things that go into it, not all of which I'm ready to discuss with the world. But after lots and lots of tears and prayers and days struggling to just get by with my normal routine, I think it boils down to fear. I'm afraid of what will change. Being gone for 2 years is a very long time. Less than a year is long, but not so long. You miss quite a few things, but not so much that you can't catch up. But 2 years is different; small children grow a lot in 2 years, they also forget a lot in 2 years, friends move, babies are born, and some people that I love just won't be there at all any more. I'm afraid of what I will miss. I know there will be some moments that can't be repaired or replaced. I'm afraid of what will change. People and circumstances change, friends grow apart, things that you could always count on may just disappear in that span of time. I'm afraid of being forgotten and forgetting. Without a hug and an in-person reminder, I'm afraid that life will just move on without us and we will be forgotten. I'm equally afraid that my children will forget the people and places that I have worked so hard to cultivate love for. This time the fear and sadness for me were overwhelming and oppressive. I had to struggle hard to climb out from underneath them. Partially because I couldn't discern my own heart and had so much trouble pinpointing the cause of all those tears. I spent long hours just crying my tears out to my Father and begging Him to give me eyes to see the unseen, to see my life as He sees it and to trust. I really didn't feel like I was making any progress for quite some time. But gradually He has been whispering into my heart and reminding me of His love in every area of my life.


Easter was what it should have been, a reminder of the incredible hope we have. The confidence He loved us enough for the ultimate sacrifice and the hope that it brings to know He was powerful enough to defeat death and offer us eternity with Him. For as long as I live I will always live now between two worlds; the one I'm in and the one I'm missing. This will be true now no matter if I stay here or move back home. My heart is dived with the people I love on 2 sides of the globe. The only ultimate hope for my aching heart is found in the reminder that one day I will arrive at my true home, and the separation, and aching, and longings of this world will be put behind me. I will be forever with my Savior and forever with my loved ones. And in the meantime I can look around and everywhere I look are evidences of grace. In reality having so many people to love on both sides of the globe, is hardly a hardship, it is a phenomenal blessing. So I'm fixing my eyes on the reminder again that my crazy life is just a glimpse of the unseen truth; that this world is not my home. And I am schooling my heart to trust again that "the aching of this life are the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy. And what if trials of this life, The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are Your mercies in disguise" (Laura Story's Blessings) I know there will still be days when I miss my home, and my best friends smile, and my grandmother's hug, and the comfort of sitting in on our Bible study, and the fun days at my Aunt's lakehouse, and all of the little moments with friends and family alike. There will probably be many of those days. But I want to use them to remind me to be thankful for all of the relationships I have been blessed with and to point my heart to the ultimate satisfaction I will find in Him.


Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 18, 2012 at 12:02 AM

    Hello, Gretchen! You are not forgotten! You are loved so much and held up in prayer so often! I love hearing what all He is doing in your heart . . . different in some ways from mine, but similar in others. (= Thank you for the precious reminder of where our true home and hope is found! So thankful for both and for you! Love to all! Danielle

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