Much Afraid

This was a long winter. I think it has felt that way for many people. My hometown continued to get snow well into late March and even early April which is late and I know made for a long feeling winter for many people.  For me, the length of this winter was less about the weather and more about my heart.

Plunging headlong into Christmas on the heals of Vangile's death and following the holiday celebrations up with her funeral, started this winter on a deep and somber note for me. Although as a Christian I was able to come to terms with her life and death for her, because I know her current joy, I have struggled long and hard with the plight of her family. Vangile's mother died just after her funeral.  This was no real surprise as she had been living in the valley of the shadow of death for many years.  How I ache for her father though.  Vangile's father both inspired and terrified me with the depth of his faith. I have never met another person like him.  There was such a rich depth and a peaceful simplicity to his belief in the goodness of God.  To have such unwavering, unflinching faith in the face of such loss is miraculous. It is beautiful and stands as a clear testimony to His very personal relationship with God.  In my humanity, it is also frightening to me because I think achieving that level of faith only comes by holding tightly to the hands of sorrow and suffering.  I both desperately long for that and tremblingly fear it.  

As Chinese New Year arrived, I continued to ponder that idea. Meanwhile, the whispers, the news, and the rumors on the local front were becoming progressively more concerning. With the arrival of the big guy this summer, everything is being swept neatly into order, the reigns tightened, and loose ends trimmed. The future here appears so uncertain to me, not just for myself, but for everyone. The doors are closing here with alarming speed.  The headline type news that I have access to from back home doesn't look much better. Political chaos, hatred, and violence mark every page. Looking into the future through the lens of each of these cameras is dark and intimidating. 

My imagination swirled with the possibilities of what the future could hold, the things that might go wrong, the challenges we might face, the inevitability of suffering and sorrow.  The thoughts in my head felt overwhelming as if I couldn't hold up under the weight of the possibilities. And so deeper into the darkness and fear of my own heart I sank, feeling unable to break back through into the light of hope. 

And so providentially entered a friend who had been nagging at me for a few months to read a book, to which I always replied that I had no time. But to avoid disappointing her, I gave it a try. I almost laughed out loud at the name of the protagonist: Much-Afraid. If there is any name at that moment that could have described me it would be that one. The Shepherd sends her on a journey to the High Places promising along the way to cure her disabilities, relieve her fears, and teach her to love. But to her dismay, he gives as her two guides for the long journey: Sorrow and Suffering. It is a beautiful allegory of the Christian life and is serving to remind me of the truth of the Bible in a different light.   It is chalk full of scripture and frames the promises of God in a picturesque way that remind you of their value and strength.

"Much-Afraid trembled a little, partly at the tone of his voice and partly because she was still Much-Afraid by nature and was already trying to picture what the Forests of Danger and Tribulation would be like. That always had a disastrous effect upon her.............From bitter experience, she knew that pictures thrown on the screen of her imagination could seem much more unnerving and terrible than the actual facts.

(Shepherd to Much-afraid) "Much-Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are different as possible from what you have imagined, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling where no fear is."

During this time we entered the season of Lent.  I've tried in recent years to do a specific Lent study getting myself ready for Easter (Much in the way we celebrate Advent to prepare for Christmas).  I don't want the importance of these days to get lost in the daily grind of life, or even in the planning for special events and meals and celebrations.  This year a speaker I was listening to also challenged us to give up something as is a tradition at Lent.  But rather than just a food or coffee, he challenged us to give up a sin that we were struggling with.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I knew, the moment the words left his mouth, what I needed to do.   God was asking me to stop dwelling in my fear.  He wanted me to call it what it was, sin, and actively give it up.  I guess somewhere in my head I knew that it was sin, but it hadn't struck my heart as that.  In my heart, I had no control over it and was powerless to stop the thoughts playing on the screen in my head.  So in my heart, I paused right there and asked God to give me His strength to overcome it.  Very quickly the conviction came into my mind that I needed to be done reading or watching the news.  I always told myself that I needed to read it so I was aware of what was going on in the world.  But, really I don't need to, especially when reading it tempts me to fear.  Instead, I replaced that time with reading His word.  His word has SO much to say about fear.  There are an incredible amount of times that we are commanded, instructed, and pleaded with not to fear.  This makes sense because of course, we know the end of the story, and as Christians, we truly have nothing to ultimately fear.  But it's not always so easy practically.  And God in his wisdom and grace understands that about us and reminds us in His word again and again not to fear.  

This one makes me smile:  I Peter 3:6 ".........and you are her children (Sarah), if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening"  There are so many frightening things in life and God knows that women especially will be tempted to fear them, so he reminds us that we don't need to be afraid..........even of what is frightening.  

I John 4:18 "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

I have found that when, in His spirit, I limit my intake of news, control my "what if" imagination, and focus my heart and mind instead on His promises, that it is quite possible to live in the way He asks.  He fills me with His hope, His joy, and His strength for each day.  The struggle is real, and the temptation to give way still lurks in the background for those days when I am tired and disappointed with life's circumstances.  But each and every time that I turn my eyes to Him and open His word, the shadows in my heart pull back and the light shines deeply in.  

There will be hard days to come and good days to come.  I am sure of that.  And in the good and in the hard God will be at work using it to refine and shape me.  But His grace and strength will be enough for each of them.  And if my eyes are fixed on Him then I will be able to stand and not only endure but thrive.  

II Tim 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control"