Centerstage

Heading into this past summer, I knew I would have a little extra quiet time and resolved that I wanted to take some time to simplify my focus and renew my heart and mind.  Some of that involved some practical things like cleaning out my Facebook feed so that it reflected what I intend to use it for, a way to keep in touch with people that I love, and a chance to read about things He is doing in the world.  I cleared out anything that didn’t accomplish one of those goals.  I also took on the task of evaluating our diet and making some healthy changes and planning the year better in terms of supplements to support the kid's health and my own. 

But one of my major goals was to spiritually refocus.  So I was able to spend more time in prayer, and in my reading of his word, but also I wanted to read something that challenged me and pushed me towards positive change.  I looked through the extensive Kindle library that Rob is always working on adding to whenever he finds a sale.  I prayed that God would point me to something that He knew I needed most.  When I reached the book that I settled on, I immediately knew that this was it.  It’s something that I have long been aware of as a problem for myself, and one that I have made truthfully little progress in despite my best intentions.  I had always felt honestly confused by how to grow in this area but knew it was long overdue.  So, in the end, the book that I chose was, “Humility” by Andrew Peterson. 

I’m still not finished reading it, I am drinking it in slowly, repeating what I see and highlighting what really hits where I am.  Starting the book, I was hit in the face with a truth that I think goes to the core of why I have always been confused in this area.  He starts with the proposition that Humility comes, not by thinking less of yourself (in a self-deprecating, sinful self-exposing kind of a way) but actually by not thinking of yourself at all.  Humility comes from thinking about God and focusing your attention and your admiration on Him.  In focusing on Him, and seeing people and circumstances through the light of who He is, you are able to more clearly see yourself as well.  But the focus remains on Him and the wonder of who He is.  Instead of focusing on your attention on the sinfulness of self and trying to use that to inspire change.  This upward focus results in natural change as you are able to see yourself in relation to who He is and in that light bring yourself into a position that exalts and glorifies the One who is your focus. 

I began last night a new devotional study on the book of Esther.  It’s a favorite of mine because of the brilliant storyline and fantastic plot twists.  It’s such an amazing story because the main character of the book is never mentioned by name.  Esther is the story of how God uses unlikely people and strange circumstances to accomplish his promise of preserving His people.  It is full of intrigue, scandal, deception, political corruption, racism, and so much more.  (That almost sounds like something that could be on the news today doesn’t it?).  But God shows that He isn’t limited by any of those things, in fact, He foresaw them all and orchestrated a plan to use even the most evil of human intentions to work out the salvation of His people.  The nation He had promised to uphold by His hand. 

All too often, I am the main character of my narrative, and in taking that place for myself; my narrative fails to make sense.  The pain and disappointment and struggles I experience frustrate and confuse me.  Life circumstances throw me into a tailspin and I fight to react, to make a new plan, to fix what has gone wrong.  When I am the main character in my narrative then I yell at my children who move slowly in the morning and make ME late to work.  I am frustrated with my circumstances when my husband gets sick, leaving him in pain, and ME with extra stress.  I am overwhelmed by trying to please everyone at my job so that I look good.  I am discouraged never seeming to accomplish all that I have planned to do for God.  I am frustrated by other’s who don’t behave the way that I believe they should.  That’s a lot of me ME’s and I’s. 

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But when HE is the main character of my narrative then the story has such a different outlook.  He doesn’t need to react to the circumstances of my life.  He already knew they were coming and is using them for good.  He is more concerned with my children’s hearts, then my clock in time at work.  He is more concerned with my ability to love and serve my husband than the plans I have had to cancel for this week.  Those weren’t His plans; they were just mine.  And if I’m not the main character then loosing them doesn’t really matter, even if I thought they were good.  He is more concerned that I please Him than anyone else in my workplace.  After all it’s His name that I should be making great, not mine……..  And there in lies the heart of my struggle with humility.  It is a daily battle for me to not take the center stage of the narrative of my life.  I assume it so naturally.  It feels like my right.  But it isn’t pleasant when I’m on center stage.  It leaves me exhausted, frustrated, irritable, resentful, judgmental, and so much more.  The rest of the characters in the story don’t play along with my story line.  The circumstances of my life don’t match the narrative I have created.  But the truth is, I wasn’t created for center stage.  God is the only one who can shoulder that glory, bear that weight, and be the forever Hero of the story.    I am happiest when I take my supporting role, the one that I was created for.  My role simply requires that I give the glory back to him, turning my eyes to see only Him, so that the audience of my life turns to look at Him too.  In that role I am at peace and there I find the humility that I so desperately need.