Good to Me

Three times so far during my stay in China, I have had a significant crisis of belonging.  Each time it has been triggered by a different circumstance, but each time it has the same root.  Something about being in China has triggered in me the fear that it is not worth it.  That maybe this isn’t really where I am supposed to be.  That the cost vs. benefit ratio might fall short.  That the challenges I am facing are too much to bear and I will crumble under the weight.  Every time the triggering factor has been a circumstance out of my control; something I can’t fix, can’t find the answer to, and can’t reason my way out of.  And every time when I reach that point, my cry is the same one.  “God give me a reason to stay or please, please let me go.  Let me know somehow that you really want me here.  Convince me that the struggle is worth it.  And if not then let me go home, back to my comfort zone, close to my family & friends, where I can understand the language and the customs, and the expectations.” 

The first time was when my babies were sick, and my in-laws had cancer, and navigating the medical system, and the smells, and the language here seemed like an insurmountable problem.  I was overwhelmed and felt I had no way out.  God sent us healing and a small army of Chinese believers to surround us and meet our every need.  I felt His love and I understood His answer.  I could trust Him even in the face of an antiquated and hopeless medical system.  He did not leave us alone, but sent us His children to be His hands and feet in our lives. 

The second time was when Robbie needed to go to school.  My original plan of sending him to Chinese primary school crumbled when I actually went and visited the schools and realized that the overcrowded, high pressure, understaffed, dirty schools would overwhelm my shy, sweet boy.  My only other recourse was homeschooling, which seemed like such an isolating choice when there would be no clubs to join, neighbours to play with, or SS kids to make friends with.  I felt so discouraged for my kids future but helpless to find a different solution.  My cry was the same.  Then out of the blue a situation we had never anticipated was presented and we accepted jobs that we hadn’t been looking for which provided education at a wonderful bilingual school.  Again I felt His love and I understood His answer.  We could stay, and He would provide for our children’s needs. 

The third time was this year when the long list of goodbyes that we have compiled in our years here climaxed with the hardest goodbyes we have ever said to our best friends and family all at one time.  We all felt it and we all struggled vainly to feel at home again without them.  Then the pollution set in, dark, heavy, and unrelenting.  I sunk into a dark place and wondered if I would ever be able to feel happy again here.  And so I asked, just to be sure, if I was really supposed to be here still.  Or maybe, just maybe it was time to be done.  Maybe we had been here too long.  Maybe it was time to go home.  So I asked for the third time, “Give me a reason to stay, or let me go.”  Then the answer came in the form of something I never expected and wouldn’t have asked for.  He sent my sister.  My sister and her whole sweet family are moving here, across the world, to be my neighbors.  The timing was providential, the circumstances couldn’t have been planned and the multiple answers to prayer that this provided for was unbelievable.  I was/am blown away.  I still can’t believe it, but the effect was the same as the other two times.  I feel His love and I know His answer.  This is still the place that He wants me to be.  The struggles are still worth it.  And I can still trust Him. 


In all three of these situations, He didn’t owe me anything, and I still owed Him everything.   So no matter whether He showers me with blessings or leaves me with unanswered questions, my debt is the same.   I owe Him my life and my love.  But in His grace to me, each time I have hit the crossroads of confusion and despair, He has answered me in a huge way.  He has not just met my basic needs, but has instead blown me away with something I wouldn’t have even known to ask for.  He is good to me. 

Comments

  1. FranceMarch 1, 2016 at 4:54 AM

    I am so happy for you!!! This is so encouraging to me to be reminded of the goodness of our God! How wonderful to have your sister and family there with you soon.

    ReplyDelete

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