A Weary Soul

It’s been about 2 months since my last post here.  I’ve tried to write a few times by the thoughts in my head just haven’t come together.  My last post was about saying goodbye to people we had come to treasure as best friends and family during our time here.  After the whirlwind of goodbyes and the end of the semester we rushed off to spend the summer stateside visiting other very wonderful family and friends.  It was an idyllic summer spent playing with cousins, taking swim lessons, and eating too much ice-cream (as if there is such a thing J).  We are blessed during our times back in the states to return to a place we once called our everyday home which in so many ways still is our home.  We stayed in my parent’s home with my sister and her crazy crew living only a few blocks away.  My parents dote on my kids with all their might to make up for the months apart.  Our best friends still live in town so we squeezed in visits with them (although not enough).  Our church family always welcomes us back with open arms and goes out of their way to spoil us and make us feel right at home.  Every summer spent that way is like dreamland for my children. 

I knew returning to China this time would be harder than most.  Each of us had lost friends in the spring, dear close friends that won’t easily be replaced.  Coming back without them here made everything seem empty and lonely.  There have been many tears from all of us over these past few weeks and I think there will be many more to come over the course of the year.  We loved deeply and have lost deeply.  But we have to make the best of it, pity parties won’t bring them back so we must just be thankful for the times we had and move on.   That’s one thing for me to say, and an entirely different thing to do as I watch my children struggle through this season.  Returning to school has been difficult and although they are friendly and play with everyone, they are clearly a bit lost this year so far.  School days often end in melancholy tears, and it breaks my heart that there is nothing I can do to make the hurt better or to bring them closer to the ones they love.  The truth is that I can’t do a single thing to help them find new friends that they will “click” with.  We live in a big city but there are painfully few Western kids here (none their same ages and genders) and no matter how good their Chinese language skills are, they will never be seen as one of the crowd, they will always stand out and be more of a curiosity then someone that is sought after as a true friend.  And I certainly can’t make up for the loss of having cousins and family close by.  I can’t bring myself to think of what Thanksgiving and Christmas will be like this year without them all.


So what am I to do with all of this?  I find my heart caught in turmoil.  On the one hand I see the difficulties and feel the pain of separation from those we love most with intensity.  But on the other hand I am deeply aware of all we have been blessed with and how terribly wrong it is for me to complain.  I have been overwhelmingly blessed with an amazing husband and 3 beautiful children.  The 5 of us just love spending time together, playing games, visiting the beach, watching movies,  and reading books.  I couldn’t ask for a sweeter family.  We live in a great apartment with natural light and a view to the bay that we pay very low rent for. My kids are getting an amazing quality education in 2 languages.  We’ve been blessed with the sweetest most capable nanny anyone could ask for so that our working/schooling/visa situation can function as it needs to.  She takes such good care of Oliver that I never need to worry when I am out of the house.  We are all healthy (that’s huge!).  My thankful list could go on and on.  So while on one hand my heart is crying out with the pain and loneliness that goes along with being separated from my home, my culture, my language, my friends, and my family, on the other hand I see all that I have been blessed with and find that I have no right to complain.  It makes for such confusing prayers and disjointed thoughts.  The battle raging in my head and heart for contentment vs. longing is intense.  It exhausts me.  So with no way to quiet my weary soul I find myself crying with the Psalmist, “From the ends of the earth will I cry to you when my heart is overwhelmed.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I for you have been my refuge, my shelter from the storm”  I have no other place to go.  (Ps 60)

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 30, 2015 at 10:03 AM

    Bless your heart.... I know how you feel.. ((hug)) Praying for you..

    ReplyDelete

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