Holding on to Hope


2014 has literally 1 hour left on the clock in my location, and I have realized that I didn’t post anything on my blog in the month of December.  I am down to the wire to finish of my year goal of posting at least once every month of the year.  Truthfully this has been a hard year and specifically a hard few months for me to keep up with that goal.  This pregnancy has knocked me off my feet in more ways than one and I find it hard to organize my thoughts most days.  This blog post will be far from eloquent and maybe won’t even make much sense.  I am too tired to write well these days. 

After waiting and praying 5 years for this little miracle boy, hearing the news that we were expecting in July was a little surreal.  I had truthfully stopped really expecting it to happen and found myself struggling to really believe it was true.  But all the lovely nausea and exhaustion of first trimester set in to quickly assure me that there was indeed a little person growing inside of me.  We rejoiced in the news and tried to wrap our head around all it would mean.  All the way along this pregnancy has been difficult for me compared to my first two.  The first two seemed to go without a hitch and aside from the typical pregnancy symptoms I had nothing to complain about.  This time around however has been a bit more of a rollercoaster.  I have never felt well this pregnancy, battling all the way through with fatigue and easily getting sick or run down, but this third trimester has been a whole new level of drama.  From the announcement at 26 weeks that I had gestational diabetes and the subsequent discovery that the blood pressures in my umbilical cord are too high, I have had weekly doctors appointments where nothing ever goes as planned.  Every week brings something new: the 16 hour blood tests, the diet changes, the daily finger pricks, the daily kick counts, the overnight stays for oxygen therapy, the repeat ultrasounds, the recommendation of week long stays on blood thinners, the echocardiograms, the steroid injections, the travel to other cities for second opinions, the specialist visits.  Communicating across language and cultural barriers is challenging even on good days, but when the subject that needs to be communicated and understood is stressful it takes on a whole new level of frustration. 

This has been an exercise in trust for me on a whole new level.  Every day I have to wake up and pray for the courage to trust for that day, because every day, I wake up with the fear that this will be the day when I don’t feel the kicking anymore and the mystery blood pressure problems that no one had been able to explain will have had the effect that no one likes to talk about.  Probably my favorite thing that anyone has said to me during this month (from my sweet well meaning Chinese translator, after the doctor told me I should be counting the baby’s kicks every day and come back if I stop feeling them): “Clarke, don’t cry, everything is ok, your baby is only in distress.”  But since I know well that my stress is not good for the baby in my belly or the two sweet babes who already live under my roof, I pray each day for the courage to smile and keep moving and trust that God has this under control even though no one else seems to even understand it.  Some days that goes better than other days…….

But I have had my share of blessings along the way that have reminded me of God’s love and have showed me His care.  Some of them have been in the form of friends or family who have sat with me during long days in the hospital, others have been friends and family who have watched my children so my husband could come be with me, more have been friends from around the world who have prayed with us during the scarier days of this experience, and still more have been friends who have helped us shoulder the unexpected financial burden this has created.  Most recently that blessing came in the form of a specialist I was able to see in Hong Kong.  She was exceptionally knowledgeable and caring and was able to give us the most thorough exam and report of anywhere we have been.  For the first time we finally understand at least a little bit of what is happening with me and baby and what we can expect going forward.  That is a huge relief for me and I have been amazed by the burden it has lifted from my shoulders.  To finally have someone understand the situation and be able to communicate it to me clearly has been priceless for my heart and mind.  I am so thankful.  I don’t know exactly what the future will hold for me and this tiny boy, but I don’t feel so much in the dark anymore. 

Closing out this last hour of 2014 and ending the season of the nativity, I am clinging to the hope that I find only in Him.  He is the creator and giver of life.  The tiny miracle growing inside of me is His handiwork.  As I enter 2015 I have much to hope for and my prayer is that He will keep me focused on that hope and guard my heart from the fears that would easily overtake me. Whatever this year holds in store for me, I can be sure that it has been planned for me by my loving Father who makes no mistakes.  

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