Expectations
As usual it has been way too long since my last blog post, but this time it's not my fault :-) Our computers, and modem/router, have been going haywire so most days I have had little or no internet access and no keyboard if I did have access through our iphones, so typing up a blog has been next to impossible.
This morning I was faced with an amusing situation that underscores some of my recent struggles. Everyone in my house woke up late this morning. It was no big deal, as we had enough time to get everyone off to school, but I was in a rush to get breakfast out, ensure everyone ate and got dressed, and that everyone's things were packed. As usual I did all of those things and left my own getting ready for last. As it was, time was running short so I decided I would just shower after returning from taking the boys off to school. I was standing in the bathroom throwing on some makeup, and Robbie came in and stood beside me. "Mom, when did you take a shower?", "I didn't take one yet, I'll take one when I get home" was my reply. "Is that what you are wearing?" he asked thoughtfully, eyeing my t-shirt and sweats. "Yes, I was planning to, is something wrong?" I asked. "Well THEY won't like it if you don't take a shower and wear PJ pants outside" was the reply I got. Laughing outloud, I replied "Will you be embarassed if I wear this to your school". "maybe a little" was his answer. "if I wear Jeans will that be better?" I ask, trying to hide my laughter. "Yes, that would be good" he said and walked out satisfied.
Seriously?????? My 4 year old is critiquing my morning school drop off outfits already? I thought this didn't happen until 14, not 4. I had no idea we had already reached this point. I am well aware that since 99% of his classmates have working mothers the regular attire for drop off is high heals, and a dress, or at the least skinny jeans. But I had no idea he had already noticed this fact.
Expectations: Everyone has them. We have them for ourselves, we have them for other people, and other people have them for us. It's tough in life to navigate the maze of everyone's expectation and figure out which ones are important and which was we can toss. This holds true for every type of expectations, the ones we hold for ourselves, the ones we hold for others, and the ones others hold for us. I find that I am constantly trying to sort through the pressures these expectations bring and figure out how to make the best decisions for myself and our family. I am also constantly trying to sort through my expectations of other people and learn to give them grace as I'm sure they don't need any pressure from me.
One heavy expectation in this culture is that EVERYONE has a job. Stay-at-Home mom's are an extremely rare breed. Almost every mother here works full time and leaves the raising of her children to her mother-in-law (the cultural norm) and to the preschool which 99% of children attend by age 3. Almost from the day we arrived the question began: "What do you do?" "Where is your job?". In the past skating by these questions had been easier because while holding an baby in one hand and a toddler in the other, I could smile and report that my job was to take care of my two children. Although this was strange, most people seemed willing to accept that since I have TWO children and one is still a baby, and I have no parents in the country, it was acceptable for me to stay home with them. But that trend has been changing and I have steadily felt the increase of the pressure. Now my "babies" are 4 and 3. They "should" be in preschool from 8-6 every day. So, "What do you do?" "Why don't you have a job?", and "When do you think you will get a job?" are coming at me more frequently. Most days I can smile and tell people how happy I am to spend time with my small children, and that I only send them to preschool for 1/2 the day so that I can keep them at home to learn English from me and to rest and play. This answer is becoming less and less accepted. Occasionally I see another mother look at me with longing in her eyes and say that would be nice, but mostly I walk away feeling that i am seen as lazy or strange. This frustrates me deeply as in reality I have almost no time to "relax" on any given day while I study Chinese, navigate life in a different culture with a different language, chauffeur, cook, clean, and try to keep the schedules of the rest of my family afloat, while doing my best to invest quality time into my children's lives. I also have no parents living in my home to clean, cook, and babysit.
The other expectation is that children need to be CONTINUALLY educated. And by that I mean like morning, noon, night, and weekends. Children over the age of 3 are not often allowed the liberty to simply play or explore. Preschool is the norm all day, 8-6 Monday through Friday, Breakfast, lunch, and dinner all happen at school. Then there are the evening and weekend, English lessons, music lessons, sports, drawing, and anything else you can think of classes. Again I find myself bucking the cultural norm. I take Robbie out of preschool at lunchtime every day (actually I haven't even started Maddie in preschool yet, she will begin in the late summer). Again, I am asked by teachers and parents alike, "Why do you take him home, don't you think school is important?" I smile and report that I love to have my children at home and use the time to teach them in English, read them books, play outside, and just let them use their imaginations to play together and create fun things. Again the looks I receive leave me feeling a bit insecure and strange for not wanting to push them so hard out into the world.
One such day last week when Robbie's school principal was pushing me hard to pick up some teaching time for her at an inconvenient time for our family and another mother was wondering for me how my children would come out if they were not constantly being educated, I went home feeling small and trying to remember why my family seemed so different (aside of course from the very obvious nationality, cultural, and language differences). I needed to sit down and let myself be reminded of what we are truly trying to accomplish with our family choices.
We take the responsibility of parenting our children very seriously. God blessed us with the stewardship of two very precious lives and it is our job to shepherd them into adulthood as best we can with His help. First and foremost we want to raise children who recognize and love their Savior. We can not make that happen in their hearts, they posses a free will and spirit the same way that we do. But we can passionately live out our love to that Savior with our lives and just let them see it. The decision with what to do with what they see will be theirs alone. Second we want to raise children who know how to live wisely. We want them to learn how to sleep well, eat well, work hard, treat others with kindness, live honestly, be friendly, respect authority, and make wise decisions among other things. There is no better place to learn these skills than at home. If you learn 5 languages, play several instruments proficiently, and have great skill in sports or drama, but you don't posses those basic skills for living then what good is the rest? All of these basic skills for living can't really be taught well at school with a teacher who's attention is dived among 15 other children. These skills are all most easily learned when a child is young and open to learning, before years of bad habits are developed. The other things can be acquired gradually upon the foundation of good character. But if good character and life skills are not developed first then every other skill acquired will be tainted by lack of that character. Character is foundational to every life. The lack of character is seen in the downfall of any life. The character required for living was given to us graciously by our creator. He didn't leave us a guidebook for learning language, or tennis, or taekwando, or calculus, or biology, or economics. He left us with a guidebook for living as we were created to live as people reflecting the character and image of God. He also left us with the knowledge that we couldn't attain these goals on our own but would need a Savior to redeem our sinful hearts and make us able to live as we were created to do; a reflection of the living God.
So taking the principals found in scripture it is my responsibility and privilege to embark on the journey of shaping these beautiful and precious little children into reflections of their creator. They will ultimately choose how they will live and whether they will embrace or reject the principals we teach. But still we will teach them because it is our job to do so. We will teach them with grace and humility knowing how flawed we are ourselves. We will laugh and love and cry together along the way, and it will be our greatest joy to live this way as a family.
So this is why I don't have a real job, and this is why my preschoolers only go to school for 1/2 of the day. My job for this time is to forsake my personal ambition, and comfort, and "alone time" and passionately teach my children the character and skills they need to face this life they have been given. Now I will continue to send them to preschool to learn Chinese, and let them take rollerblading and taekwando. I do want them to learn languages and sports and to love reading. I also teach one or two 1 hour English classes each week. But most of all I want them to learn to live a life of character and wisdom, fully awake to all of the beauty of their creator and his creation. I don't think there is any better way to teach this then to live out loud in front of them, up close and personal, so they can see my character (the good and the bad), and so we can every day gently learn together how to fully live.
I am well aware that most of the mothers that I meet don't have the luxury of being able to stay home with their children. My heart bleeds for them in that respect . My heart also bleeds for the children who spend 90% of their time out of their homes learning to grow up far too quickly. I know that the family lifestyle here is a cultural norm, and not because these parents do not dearly love their child. I also know that in a society of one-child families where children are raised by their grandparents and have no sibling to enjoy, the children are quickly bored and frustrated at home and the grandparents are old and tired, so heading off to school seems like the right choice. My musings today are not in condemnation of the choices that other families make, every family's situation both culturally, value wise, and financially is very different. I am simply reminding myself of why we have as a family chosen this particular lifestyle over the other options presented to us, so that when I am tempted to be intimidated into making a different decision, I will remember why we have arrived here and stand firm in my desire to protect our children's precious and fleeting time as little people in the world.
Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it"
Psalm 127:3 "Behold Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward"
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise"
This morning I was faced with an amusing situation that underscores some of my recent struggles. Everyone in my house woke up late this morning. It was no big deal, as we had enough time to get everyone off to school, but I was in a rush to get breakfast out, ensure everyone ate and got dressed, and that everyone's things were packed. As usual I did all of those things and left my own getting ready for last. As it was, time was running short so I decided I would just shower after returning from taking the boys off to school. I was standing in the bathroom throwing on some makeup, and Robbie came in and stood beside me. "Mom, when did you take a shower?", "I didn't take one yet, I'll take one when I get home" was my reply. "Is that what you are wearing?" he asked thoughtfully, eyeing my t-shirt and sweats. "Yes, I was planning to, is something wrong?" I asked. "Well THEY won't like it if you don't take a shower and wear PJ pants outside" was the reply I got. Laughing outloud, I replied "Will you be embarassed if I wear this to your school". "maybe a little" was his answer. "if I wear Jeans will that be better?" I ask, trying to hide my laughter. "Yes, that would be good" he said and walked out satisfied.
Seriously?????? My 4 year old is critiquing my morning school drop off outfits already? I thought this didn't happen until 14, not 4. I had no idea we had already reached this point. I am well aware that since 99% of his classmates have working mothers the regular attire for drop off is high heals, and a dress, or at the least skinny jeans. But I had no idea he had already noticed this fact.
Expectations: Everyone has them. We have them for ourselves, we have them for other people, and other people have them for us. It's tough in life to navigate the maze of everyone's expectation and figure out which ones are important and which was we can toss. This holds true for every type of expectations, the ones we hold for ourselves, the ones we hold for others, and the ones others hold for us. I find that I am constantly trying to sort through the pressures these expectations bring and figure out how to make the best decisions for myself and our family. I am also constantly trying to sort through my expectations of other people and learn to give them grace as I'm sure they don't need any pressure from me.
One heavy expectation in this culture is that EVERYONE has a job. Stay-at-Home mom's are an extremely rare breed. Almost every mother here works full time and leaves the raising of her children to her mother-in-law (the cultural norm) and to the preschool which 99% of children attend by age 3. Almost from the day we arrived the question began: "What do you do?" "Where is your job?". In the past skating by these questions had been easier because while holding an baby in one hand and a toddler in the other, I could smile and report that my job was to take care of my two children. Although this was strange, most people seemed willing to accept that since I have TWO children and one is still a baby, and I have no parents in the country, it was acceptable for me to stay home with them. But that trend has been changing and I have steadily felt the increase of the pressure. Now my "babies" are 4 and 3. They "should" be in preschool from 8-6 every day. So, "What do you do?" "Why don't you have a job?", and "When do you think you will get a job?" are coming at me more frequently. Most days I can smile and tell people how happy I am to spend time with my small children, and that I only send them to preschool for 1/2 the day so that I can keep them at home to learn English from me and to rest and play. This answer is becoming less and less accepted. Occasionally I see another mother look at me with longing in her eyes and say that would be nice, but mostly I walk away feeling that i am seen as lazy or strange. This frustrates me deeply as in reality I have almost no time to "relax" on any given day while I study Chinese, navigate life in a different culture with a different language, chauffeur, cook, clean, and try to keep the schedules of the rest of my family afloat, while doing my best to invest quality time into my children's lives. I also have no parents living in my home to clean, cook, and babysit.
The other expectation is that children need to be CONTINUALLY educated. And by that I mean like morning, noon, night, and weekends. Children over the age of 3 are not often allowed the liberty to simply play or explore. Preschool is the norm all day, 8-6 Monday through Friday, Breakfast, lunch, and dinner all happen at school. Then there are the evening and weekend, English lessons, music lessons, sports, drawing, and anything else you can think of classes. Again I find myself bucking the cultural norm. I take Robbie out of preschool at lunchtime every day (actually I haven't even started Maddie in preschool yet, she will begin in the late summer). Again, I am asked by teachers and parents alike, "Why do you take him home, don't you think school is important?" I smile and report that I love to have my children at home and use the time to teach them in English, read them books, play outside, and just let them use their imaginations to play together and create fun things. Again the looks I receive leave me feeling a bit insecure and strange for not wanting to push them so hard out into the world.
One such day last week when Robbie's school principal was pushing me hard to pick up some teaching time for her at an inconvenient time for our family and another mother was wondering for me how my children would come out if they were not constantly being educated, I went home feeling small and trying to remember why my family seemed so different (aside of course from the very obvious nationality, cultural, and language differences). I needed to sit down and let myself be reminded of what we are truly trying to accomplish with our family choices.
We take the responsibility of parenting our children very seriously. God blessed us with the stewardship of two very precious lives and it is our job to shepherd them into adulthood as best we can with His help. First and foremost we want to raise children who recognize and love their Savior. We can not make that happen in their hearts, they posses a free will and spirit the same way that we do. But we can passionately live out our love to that Savior with our lives and just let them see it. The decision with what to do with what they see will be theirs alone. Second we want to raise children who know how to live wisely. We want them to learn how to sleep well, eat well, work hard, treat others with kindness, live honestly, be friendly, respect authority, and make wise decisions among other things. There is no better place to learn these skills than at home. If you learn 5 languages, play several instruments proficiently, and have great skill in sports or drama, but you don't posses those basic skills for living then what good is the rest? All of these basic skills for living can't really be taught well at school with a teacher who's attention is dived among 15 other children. These skills are all most easily learned when a child is young and open to learning, before years of bad habits are developed. The other things can be acquired gradually upon the foundation of good character. But if good character and life skills are not developed first then every other skill acquired will be tainted by lack of that character. Character is foundational to every life. The lack of character is seen in the downfall of any life. The character required for living was given to us graciously by our creator. He didn't leave us a guidebook for learning language, or tennis, or taekwando, or calculus, or biology, or economics. He left us with a guidebook for living as we were created to live as people reflecting the character and image of God. He also left us with the knowledge that we couldn't attain these goals on our own but would need a Savior to redeem our sinful hearts and make us able to live as we were created to do; a reflection of the living God.
So taking the principals found in scripture it is my responsibility and privilege to embark on the journey of shaping these beautiful and precious little children into reflections of their creator. They will ultimately choose how they will live and whether they will embrace or reject the principals we teach. But still we will teach them because it is our job to do so. We will teach them with grace and humility knowing how flawed we are ourselves. We will laugh and love and cry together along the way, and it will be our greatest joy to live this way as a family.
So this is why I don't have a real job, and this is why my preschoolers only go to school for 1/2 of the day. My job for this time is to forsake my personal ambition, and comfort, and "alone time" and passionately teach my children the character and skills they need to face this life they have been given. Now I will continue to send them to preschool to learn Chinese, and let them take rollerblading and taekwando. I do want them to learn languages and sports and to love reading. I also teach one or two 1 hour English classes each week. But most of all I want them to learn to live a life of character and wisdom, fully awake to all of the beauty of their creator and his creation. I don't think there is any better way to teach this then to live out loud in front of them, up close and personal, so they can see my character (the good and the bad), and so we can every day gently learn together how to fully live.
I am well aware that most of the mothers that I meet don't have the luxury of being able to stay home with their children. My heart bleeds for them in that respect . My heart also bleeds for the children who spend 90% of their time out of their homes learning to grow up far too quickly. I know that the family lifestyle here is a cultural norm, and not because these parents do not dearly love their child. I also know that in a society of one-child families where children are raised by their grandparents and have no sibling to enjoy, the children are quickly bored and frustrated at home and the grandparents are old and tired, so heading off to school seems like the right choice. My musings today are not in condemnation of the choices that other families make, every family's situation both culturally, value wise, and financially is very different. I am simply reminding myself of why we have as a family chosen this particular lifestyle over the other options presented to us, so that when I am tempted to be intimidated into making a different decision, I will remember why we have arrived here and stand firm in my desire to protect our children's precious and fleeting time as little people in the world.
Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it"
Psalm 127:3 "Behold Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward"
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise"
AMEN and AMEN sister! Love you and miss you!
ReplyDeleteCara