Giving Thanks


Wow! So it's been like a month since I've blogged. I've just had too much on my heart and too much on my plate to put together anything that made sense. If you couldn't tell from my previous post, I had a really hard time handling the birth of my baby sister's baby. On November 7th, Caedence Evelyn Vaughn was born, weighing in at 7 lbs, 20 inches. She is beautiful and wonderful! I got to be as much a part of the process as was humanly possible from so far away. I "sat" with my parents in the waiting room on skype, and then they carried my skype self into the delivery room to see Caedence after she was born. It was amazing! I then plunged into at least a solid week of complete depression where I sat on the couch, ate oreos (which they do have here in China) and waited for anyone to wake up and skype with me. I wanted to hold that little girl in the worste way imaginable, and hug my sister, and be sitting right there on her couch like I would be if I could. So, I spent quite a lot of time being grumpy to my family and feeling very very sorry for myself. Not one of my most shining moments.

I am a big "guilt" person. I am an expert both at making others feel guilty (with a sweet smile), and in making myself feel guilty. It's a skill I developed while very young, and one that I have to do constant battle with in my heart. So, because I knew my attitude of self-pitty and unthankfulness was so bad, I did what I often do. Instead of running to God with my pain, I ran the other way. Although I KNOW this is NOT true, I am always tempted to feel that if my behavior is bad God no longer wants me. You would think I would have learned long before now from many previous failures in this area that God loves me DESPITE myself and always longs to take me as I am. So, down the toilet went my devotion time, my prayer time, and my attitude. Fortunately for me, the next thing on the calender was Thanksgiving, and a friend of ours preached a beautiful message about our standing before God. He reminded me that God doesn't love me because I am so "wonderful", He loves me despite the fact that I am often so unlovable! God loves me despite the fact that I have NOTHING to offer Him. God loves us as we are, weak, broken, lost, dirty, and selfish. My standing before God is based totally on the blood of Jesus Christ which was shed for me as a free gift. God always sees me covered in that precious blood, and He ALWAYS WANTS ME. That is a crazy and unthinkable thought for me. Just like I love and desire my kids, no matter what they do or what they say, with an even more powerful and pure love, God LOVES me and desires my relationship with Him. Nothing melts my heart like when one of my kids says to me, completely unprevoked, "Mommy, I love you" Knowing how much more deeply God loves me as his child, I can only imagine what His heart feels when we return His love in some small way. So, as we took the Lords Supper that day, I was able to stop in complete thankfulness for the blood of Christ that was shed for ME, that covers my sin and makes me justified with God. And I was able to return to fellowship with my precious Father as we entered the week of Thanksgiving. And WOW do I have a lot to be thankful for. Living in this country reminds of that every day. Even on the days where I want to feel sorry for myself, there are constant visual reminders of all that I have. But nothing is more precious than the blood of Christ that covers me with His love.

We had a truly wonderful thanksgiving this year. One of the most precious I can remember. We celebrated 3 times, once with the Lords's Supper, once with our closest"family" here in China where we again sang His praise and took time to verbally thank Him. And then again with a very random group of good friends where we again each took time to express our thanks. That's something we don't do often enough to each other, but most importantly to God. I'm already enjoying this Christmas season focusing on the amazing gift that He gave us His Son Jesus Christ.

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