Tough Love
My biggest adventure so far this fall has been enrolling Robbie in Chinese preschool. Last year we just wanted him to settle in, adjust to life here, and feel at home. But this year we felt like it was time for him to start learning the language and the culture of China. By the end of last year he was starting to become curious about the language and was always asking me what people had said, or how to say a certain word in Chinese. So, we visited a local preschool that was highly recommended, and decided to enroll for the fall. He talked excitedly about "my school" all summer and when the time came for his first day, he helped me pack his backpack, and off we went.
His first day was okay. I stayed with him in his classroom and although he was shy and timid, he was excited about a few things; he got his own cup with his name, everything in the bathroom was "his size", and the playground was fun. I stayed with him all that first week, hoping to help him feel comfortable. When the next week came, we decided it was time for him to try it alone. What a heartbreak! He sobbed his little heart out, and held his arms out to me, "mommy, I need you, I need you" his little eyes filled with terror. I couldn't calm him down, so finally after offering all the re-assurance I could give, I had to walk away. I sobbed all the way home. That may sound silly, children all around the world go to preschool at 2 and 3 years of age, I know it's not that abnormal. But, I never intended to put my 3 year old in preschool, I always intended to keep my kids home for as long as I could. Robbie is a fun kid, and I LOVE having him at home. Not one bit of me wanted to drop him off and walk away, even if it was only for 3 hours.
I kept wondering how I would feel, in a strange place, where everyone speaks a different language, none of your peers understand you, and you can't understand them. The people in charge are twice your size, and you mostly can't understand them either. You can't leave because you know you're too little to find your way home alone. And you just have to trust, that mommy will come back, even though you can't see her. That must be terrifying. I know it is. And my heart breaks for having to put my little man through it.
But, every weekday morning, I break the awful news to him, "we're going to school" and every morning, the tears well up and he says, "But mommy, I don't want to go!". And every morning, I tell him to stop crying and get on his shoes, and off we go. I hate every minute of it. But, I still make him go, because I know it is the best thing for him. If we live here long term, he will never be really comfortable or happy if he doesn't learn how to speak the language, and understand the culture. He will always struggle to make friends, to be understood, and to get help if needed. I also know that this is the best time for him to absorb the language. It's not going to get any easier as he gets older. The preschool is in walking distance from our house, his Aunt Mckenzie is in the building all morning teaching classes, His cousin Ella is in another classroom down the hall. It's never going to get any easier or safer than it is now. But to his 3 year old mind, none of those things matter. He just knows that he would rather be with mommy than in this strange uncomfortable place where he can't understand the language, and the other kids don't want to be his friend because he can't talk to them.
I have been reminded often over these past weeks, that my relationship with God is often the same. Sometimes God puts things in my life that seem big, and scary, and overwhelming. And I beg, and I plead, with big tears rolling down my face, that God would make it stop, would take it away. The Bible says that God is our Father so I know it must make his heart sad, and He must wish that He could just take it away. But He can see ahead, really far ahead, and He knows what is coming. He knows that I need this experience, I need to learn this lesson, so that I will be stronger and know how to face what lies in the future. He is refining me, stretching me, growing me. But, like my 3 year old son, I can't see the future, I don't know the end result. So to me it just looks big, ugly, scary, and unnecessary. I just want it to go away. I hope this makes me stop to think. The next time God puts something in my life that is painful, scary, and beyond my understanding, I hope I remember that He sees what is coming, and although this doesn't make sense to me, He has a reason. He knows it is for my best. As a mother, I am asking my son to do endure something difficult and scary. My heart breaks for his fear, but I know it is for his best. I allow it, not because I don't care, but because I care deeply. I know his temporary discomfort will lead to the enrichment of his future. I pray that God reminds me of this truth each time I face something scary or painful. Maybe instead of begging God to take it away, I will trust that the God who knows all things, and love me infinitely, has a reason for this. And maybe I will endure it and trust that the heart of my Father God knows what is best.
Psalm 103:13 "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame, he remembers that we are dust....But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him."
His first day was okay. I stayed with him in his classroom and although he was shy and timid, he was excited about a few things; he got his own cup with his name, everything in the bathroom was "his size", and the playground was fun. I stayed with him all that first week, hoping to help him feel comfortable. When the next week came, we decided it was time for him to try it alone. What a heartbreak! He sobbed his little heart out, and held his arms out to me, "mommy, I need you, I need you" his little eyes filled with terror. I couldn't calm him down, so finally after offering all the re-assurance I could give, I had to walk away. I sobbed all the way home. That may sound silly, children all around the world go to preschool at 2 and 3 years of age, I know it's not that abnormal. But, I never intended to put my 3 year old in preschool, I always intended to keep my kids home for as long as I could. Robbie is a fun kid, and I LOVE having him at home. Not one bit of me wanted to drop him off and walk away, even if it was only for 3 hours.
I kept wondering how I would feel, in a strange place, where everyone speaks a different language, none of your peers understand you, and you can't understand them. The people in charge are twice your size, and you mostly can't understand them either. You can't leave because you know you're too little to find your way home alone. And you just have to trust, that mommy will come back, even though you can't see her. That must be terrifying. I know it is. And my heart breaks for having to put my little man through it.
But, every weekday morning, I break the awful news to him, "we're going to school" and every morning, the tears well up and he says, "But mommy, I don't want to go!". And every morning, I tell him to stop crying and get on his shoes, and off we go. I hate every minute of it. But, I still make him go, because I know it is the best thing for him. If we live here long term, he will never be really comfortable or happy if he doesn't learn how to speak the language, and understand the culture. He will always struggle to make friends, to be understood, and to get help if needed. I also know that this is the best time for him to absorb the language. It's not going to get any easier as he gets older. The preschool is in walking distance from our house, his Aunt Mckenzie is in the building all morning teaching classes, His cousin Ella is in another classroom down the hall. It's never going to get any easier or safer than it is now. But to his 3 year old mind, none of those things matter. He just knows that he would rather be with mommy than in this strange uncomfortable place where he can't understand the language, and the other kids don't want to be his friend because he can't talk to them.
I have been reminded often over these past weeks, that my relationship with God is often the same. Sometimes God puts things in my life that seem big, and scary, and overwhelming. And I beg, and I plead, with big tears rolling down my face, that God would make it stop, would take it away. The Bible says that God is our Father so I know it must make his heart sad, and He must wish that He could just take it away. But He can see ahead, really far ahead, and He knows what is coming. He knows that I need this experience, I need to learn this lesson, so that I will be stronger and know how to face what lies in the future. He is refining me, stretching me, growing me. But, like my 3 year old son, I can't see the future, I don't know the end result. So to me it just looks big, ugly, scary, and unnecessary. I just want it to go away. I hope this makes me stop to think. The next time God puts something in my life that is painful, scary, and beyond my understanding, I hope I remember that He sees what is coming, and although this doesn't make sense to me, He has a reason. He knows it is for my best. As a mother, I am asking my son to do endure something difficult and scary. My heart breaks for his fear, but I know it is for his best. I allow it, not because I don't care, but because I care deeply. I know his temporary discomfort will lead to the enrichment of his future. I pray that God reminds me of this truth each time I face something scary or painful. Maybe instead of begging God to take it away, I will trust that the God who knows all things, and love me infinitely, has a reason for this. And maybe I will endure it and trust that the heart of my Father God knows what is best.
Psalm 103:13 "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame, he remembers that we are dust....But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him."
Thank you for this post. You really encouraged me. Great insight about all you are going thru.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your insight. I'm enduring something so painful right now and I've begged and pleaded for God to take it away. Even got angry and frustrated that He wouldn't. But I am also a mom of a 4 year old whom I had to leave in preschool this year. I have a better perspective now.
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